Irregular Aspirations
by Differing Fools
Summary: Two dead inserts find themselves trapped in a world where ducks can have afros and samurais wear cowboy hats. Who knew Hell was THIS bad?


**Irregular Aspirations**

**Prologue---Where Inserts go when they die**

"WHAT THE FUCK! It worked! IT WORKED! Thank you, God, I'm dead!"

The receptionist blinked at the young man standing before her. She had never seen anyone quite so ecstatic over hearing that particular tidbit of news.

Coughing into her hand, the receptionist asked, "Would you like to have a seat 'til Kami-sama is ready to see you?"

The young man turned his focus onto her. Grabbing her rather suddenly by her shoulders, he raised her slightly off the ground and half shouted, "But you don't understand, I finally died! The pain is OVER!"

Grumbling, the receptionist commented, "If you don't release me within the next ten seconds, you'll find out just how wrong you are."

Gulping, the young man released her back into her seat, mumbling, "Um, okay. Sorry."

Turning around, the young man looked for an available seat when his attention was drawn back around by a mighty **'WHUMP.'**

The receptionist looked at the young brunette boy lying on her desk. "You do realize there's an elevator up there, don't you?"

Rubbing his side, the brunette replied, "Yeah, I just thought, you know, with being a spirit and all, that I could fly like an eagle."

"Heh, looked more like you flew about as gracefully as a sack of rocks."

As he pulled himself off the desk, the brunette asked, irritated, "And how the hell do you know what a flying sack of rocks looks like?"

The other man shrugged. "I had to have something to do on those lonesome Friday nights, aside from, you know, running for my life."

Blinking, the brunette responded, "Indeed, I can just see you with a big green sack cackling about 'Precious darlings'..."

"Or was it blowing up a city with some grossly overpowered spell?"

The brunette gave a heavy look before finally asking, in a very confused tone, "What… What in the world was that supposed to mean?"

"What?" the other responded blankly. Then the young man blinked a few times and then looked around, noticing his surroundings for the first time. "Hey, where are we?"

The other shrugged. "Far as I can tell, this is the afterlife's answer to the big question, 'Where do you go when you die?' Kinda disappointing, huh?"

Before the other man could reply, the receptionist interjected, "Could you two please take some seats?"

The first man watched the other look around. The giant open spaces was what really stuck out in his mind, which is why he was stunned when the brunette commented, "Yeah, I thought it'd be bigger."

"Or maybe we're giants," the other continued nonsensically.

"Oh, right, I'm Joey," the brown-haired boy said suddenly and thrust out a hand, obviously expecting a handshake.

"Right. You can call me Eryn Belmont, or Eryn, or Belmont, or Big E if the desire should take you," commented Eryn as the two shook hands.

"Big E... as in Biggie?" Joey asked as he sized Eryn up. Eryn appeared to be eighteen or so, but Joey knew that looks could be quite deceiving. He was over twenty-four but looked more like fourteen... but these problems should be discussed later.

Eryn shrugged. "Yeah, basically. So what are ya in for?"

Once again, the receptionist interjected, "If you two could please sit down, Kami-Sama will eventually get around to you!"

"Oh, well, you know, the usual," Joey replied, leaving it a perfect opening for a question.

And it was asked. "The usual?"

"I opened my mouth when I shouldn't have," Joey said in explanation. "You know, something like 'Uncute perverted tomboy,' or something along those lines... I think... "

Scratching his forehead, Eryn asked lamely, "So, uh... what'd you do in life?"

Joey shrugged. "I was a soldier." Of course this seemed at great odds with how young he looked. "But recently I was, well, I guess you could say I was a traveler." Joey himself had gained a distant look in his eyes, "How about you?" he asked in a strangely emotionless voice.

Eryn sighed. "I spent most of my life looking for a purpose, not really finding anything that turned out to be substantial. Eventually I kinda sorta ended up with a 'new life' so to speak, and ended up working as a waiter..."

"Waiter... yeah, that job'll kill you. I was a waitress myself... for a while." Joey's reply was still in his emotionless voice.

Eryn arched an eyebrow at Joey's comment. After a moment he decided to ask, "Waitress?"

Joey shook his head and blinked, giving the impression of waking up. "Yeah... I kind of got this curse... though I don't know why I should tell you this... wait, this is the afterlife, why shouldn't I tell you... I got cursed in China. Jusenkyo, it's called."

Almost irate, the receptionist tried to break into the conversation. "GENTLEMEN, please, take your seats. You will be dealt with eventually!"

Eryn smiled. "Oh yeah, me and Jusenkyo are 'old pals.' It was the main driving force behind why I ended up looking for a way to end my life."

"Really, what was so bad that you'd want to do that?"

"I'd tell you, but I fear speaking its name would summon it here."

Joey shrugged. "I hear ya... there's times where you can be sure saying their names calls them..." Joey gave an almost fate-tempting grin. "I'm almost tempted to yell the evil Anything-Goes Master's name, because there's no evil in Heaven... you know, just to taunt him."

Eryn gave Joey a slight glare. "Hey, what's wrong with Happosai? He was one of my favorite drinking buddies!"

Joey shot a grin. "Yeah, when you're a guy he has no interest in, but if he knows you're cursed with the Nyannichuan it's a different story."

Eryn shrugged. "My other half was vile enough that he preferred me to her, for the most part."

Joey let out a small whistle. "Must have been bad. Something like Taro right?"

Eryn glanced from left to right. "Ever heard the phrase uber-bitch before? In my other half's case, that's a bit of an understatement."

The receptionist half screamed, "GET IN YOUR SEATS NOW OR BE DEALT WITH UNDER NOT-GOOD CIRCUMSTANCES!"

"I... see," Joey replied, then suddenly smiled, "but since we're in heaven, those curses shouldn't bother us anymore. There's no evil, no curse, no pain, and no hurt here."

Eryn sighed. "Yeah, I hope. But I wouldn't hold my breath."

"Not-good!" Joey laughed. "Can't you say 'harsh' or something?" Though he did sit down on the floor in a cross-legged position.

A small buzzing sound screeched from the receptionist's desk. Moments later, two large cacti walked out from the door behind and to her left, coming to rest directly behind Eryn and Joey, prodding both in the back trying to push them towards the same door.

Joey leapt up and almost flew through the door. Eryn followed Joey at a saner pace.

))o((

The Kami sighed, looking down at the two piled before him. One had been a nuisance in life and the other he had some business with. Both were complex messes that would need some care in handling. Apparently, they both wanted to be a nuisance in death. He really didn't have time for this today. No, he REALLY didn't have time for this today... not with the current underworld activity...

Pushing a couple thousand files off the side of his desk and into a drawer, he looked down and asked, "Do you two know why my receptionist sent you in here?"

Joey looked up and, after pulling himself out from under Eryn, replied, "Because I screwed up that 'vacation' thing?"

The Kami rubbed his temples. Yes, there was the 'vacation.' "No, why you both are here?"

Eryn gulped,. Slowly pulling himself up, he answered, "Umm, because you had a sudden opening in your schedule and decided you could see us both?"

Joey looked at Eryn and mouthed, 'That's kind of obvious.'

Eryn mouthed back, 'It works.'

The Kami put his hand to his forehead and shook it back and forth slowly. "Why couldn't it have been that nice Daisetsu boy that died, or even that strange little Kari girl. Why'd I have to get stuck with these two? WHY?"

Joey looked up. "Well, I'd say the lease on this body you gave me expired... but I'm not sure about him." Joey nodded at Eryn.

Eryn smiled. "Well you see that's a funny story..."

"ENOUGH! Urd, get in here NOW! I got some special cases you need to supervise for me RIGHT NOW!",

"Cooooming daddy!" came a voice, followed shortly by a head of platinum-blonde hair poking through a set of smaller side doors. "Ok, who..."

Joey waved at the shocked Urd. "Hi Urd."

"You're... dead? Oh, my sister's going to be so..."

"Nah, she already knows..." Joey said, then, with a shrug, explained, "She's the one that did it."

Eryn looked at Joey. "That cutie killed you? Excuse me for asking, but how? It doesn't look like she'd hurt a fly."

Joey looked back at Eryn. "Well, I think I'll explain later. I think it would be... prudent to get going."

Eryn shrugged. "Ok, where are we going anyway?"

"He's got a good question... what do you want me to do with them, huh daddy?" Urd looked from Eryn to the Kami as she waited for a reply.

The Kami sighed. "I don't know, just find something they can't hurt too much and give it to them to play with 'til I'm not quite as busy, all right?"

Eryn blinked before whispering to Joey, "Is it just me or are they treating us like little children?"

Joey looked up, and with an easy grin, played right into Eryn's observation, "I see what you mean big-brother!"

Eryn glanced at Joey. "Umm... you confuse me boy, ya know that?"

Joey gave Eryn a quick wink. "That's the whole point."

Urd massaged her temples. "Come on you two, times a-wastin', and there are plenty of other things I plan to do today."

"Sure thing, Urd," Joey said as he fell into step behind her.

))o((

Urd led Eryn and Joey down several halls and into a large room with large globes of light, contained in cylinders which had clusters of computer-like terminals at their bases. As the system admin for Yggdrasil, she had access to this, the "Simulation & Research" department, if only by needing to update the multiple pocket-universes from the current data from the computer that ran the universe, Yggdrasil.

"Ok, you boys, I'll set you up with a pocket universe to play with," Urd half said, half mumbled as she looked for a free set of stations.

Eryn looked around. "Wow... just, umm, wow... I never thought I'd see a place in Heaven that quite reminded me so much of being strapped to the wall in Illyana's lab."

Joey stared at Eryn for his comment for a second, then chuckled, "I was thinking it looks kind of like a computer-lab."

Eryn nodded. "So did Illyana's lab, for the most part."

Urd turned around to shoot an impatient look at the two boys. "Ahem, are you coming or not?"

Eryn shrugged. "Sure, why not?" After settling in, he tapped his chin, looking back down at the oversized keyboard sitting in front of him. Finally, he pushed a series of buttons and mumbled, "Hmmm, I wonder what that'll do?"

Joey glanced over from his keyboard. "What?"

Eryn shrugged. "Nothing, just screwing around. Have you figured out anything about how to operate this system yet?" Looking up, he noticed Urd still standing behind them. "Hey Urd, is there any way you could get me a soda?"

Joey smacked Eryn upside the head. "Dude, if you need help, ask her... it's what I did. I've been trying to set the parameters for this new universe... to include some unique physics that I've encountered, and such."

Eryn shrugged. "I would've if I hadn't been listening the thousand or so times she threatened to rip your balls off while trying to teach you how to operate this... thing. And even after listening to that, I still don't understand this thing. Damn it, Jim, I'm a mage, not a miracle worker! Ugh, I, uhh, mean, umm, Joey."

Joey laughed at the Star Trek reference. He'd been a bit of a Trekkie before his life had been turned upside-down. "That's ok, I was a programmer before I started out on this little adventure..." he said as he looked around and tried to see what exactly Eryn was trying to do.

Eryn moved over, giving Joey room to look at the screen in front of him. Looking back to Urd, he said, "So how 'bout that soda, beautiful?"

Joey was bracing for a rather painful impact... but it never came. Instead he was suddenly hit with a spray of soda... cold soda. Looking back at a semi-satisfied Urd, the now female asked, "Why'd you have to get me, too? Huh, Urd?"

Before Urd could reply, the woman next to Joey yelled out, "Who are you peasants? What have you done with me? Where did Nerima go? Tell me now or, so help me God, I will make sure your pitiful lives become a living hell!"

Sighing, Joey reached around his partition and grabbed something there. Then, in one swift motion, he doused the cursed form of Eryn with the coffee that was contained in the mug. "Is that better?" Joey asked the returned Eryn, who was apparently staring at the short redhead.

Eryn sighed. "And here I was starting to think we were in heaven..."

Urd giggled. "Well, technically, this isn't IN Heaven. Curses aren't allowed in Heaven, and some of what we do here requires the study of certain curses."

Eryn looked at Urd. "You realize, of course, that this means war."

Joey had seen things like this before and excused herself back to her console... Let them have their own mayhem, this universe-building was actually pretty fun. Almost like the Sim series of games, but several order-of-magnitude more.

Fuming, Eryn sat in his chair, trying to think of something, anything, that'd piss their resident supervisor off. Finally an idea came to him. Standing up, he strutted over to her. Smirking, he asked, "So, beautiful, what are you doing tonight? How about you and me going to have some fun?"

That corny line caused Joey to choke and mistype a command. This was going to end painfully; Joey just hoped that it wouldn't be his experience.

Urd smiled sweetly and walked up to Eryn, cupping his face with her hands. While she did use her sexual appeal, having some experience being a love goddess, this guy needed... something different.

That's when she kissed him... then rapidly brought her knee into Eryn's crotch.

Eryn slowly pulled himself up, leaning heavily on the nearby computer he smiled at Urd. "Ah baby, how'd you know I was a masochist?"

Urd turned around in a huff and stormed off.

"I suppose that you have a way with women, eh?" Joey commented to the still-staggering Eryn.

Eryn shrugged as he finally took his seat again. "Yeah, well, you hang around Kuno long enough, you learn how to play the part of idiot fairly well."

"Right," Joey muttered, zoning back to the console. "Say, do you want to put a Ranma and crew in this universe?"

Eryn shrugged. "Might as well."

"Here, I made a user-interface that'll let you mess with the world... after all the tweaking I did to physics and stuff, I think I'll take a nap."

))o((

Urd walked back into the room, still fuming. She wouldn't have come back, but her father had charged her with watching over them, curse Him. Looking around, she noted Eryn and Joey had fallen asleep while she was away.

Arching her eyebrow, she walked over to the computers and noted the little universe they had crafted and the changes that had been wrought by them bringing in a chaotic factor like the Ranma-verse cast.

An evil glint glimmered in Urd's eyes as she looked between the sleeping pair and the computers.


End file.
